Swans

Swans create monogamous pairings that are often life-long.

They are believed to have the ability to separate milk from water.

Even when in water their feathers remain dry.

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Happy Valentine's Day!

100

As I explore the blogo-sphere I find myself drawn to blogger profiles.  It's the little things that tells us, without reading the whole blog, who the blogger is.
Often I smile and move on.  Occasionally it, and not the first post, is what gets me reading the blog.  I've found that I like reading people's 100 lists... and it's actually reading the lists in which I relate to almost nothing that I realize the potential such a list has in giving a glimpse into who we are.
So here's my 100 50... in no particular order.

1.  I don't believe in astrology but I'm a gemini and well, I believe in geminis.
2.  I self-designed my BA in human rights.
3.  I have been to 11 countries.  Israel, U.S.A., Canada, Holland, France, India, South Africa, Brazil, Mexico, Egypt, and Jordan.
4.  I have a tattoo... perhaps I'll blog about it.
5.  I have a brother, he's 6 years my junior.
6.  I love both cats and dogs.
7.  I've been in love three times.  Each made me believe in "love-at-first-sight".
8.  I did a 5 day scuba diving course in the Red Sea when I was 16.
9.  I spent my sophomore year of high school abroad.
10.  I minored in studio arts, my focus was photography.  I love darkrooms and the smell of film.
11.  I have been meditating and doing yoga every morning for the last 6.5 years.
12.  I have been living in Israel since summer 2004.  I miss my family and friends in the states tremendously.
13.  I believe in reincarnation, and soul-mates...not the hollywood take on it.
14.  I live in the desert, here's the view from my bedroom window:

On an exceptionally clear day you can see the mountains of Jordan in the far distance.
15.  I've been a vegetarian for as long as I can remember.  As a kid I was grossed out at the thought of eating the flesh of a living being (still am).  Today I see other issues as well.
16.  I spent a semester during undergrad living in San Francisco in a historical mansion then owned by my east coast college.  Classes were held in the living room, and meals, cooked by our incredible gay chef were held in the dining room.  For the first time in my life I felt that I had found a city I could spend my life in; and then I understood I had never felt that before. Needless to say I <3 S.F.
17.  While in S.F. I interned at Amnesty International.  I was responsible for the film festival.  I learned a lot.
18.  I'm lactose intolerant.
19.  I fantasize about one day getting rid of everything I own and living a minimalist lifestyle.
20.  I am a big time procrastinator.
21.  It took me five years and backpacking through India alone to realize that I wanted to go back to school for Social Work.  I work with at-risk youth and I absolutely adore them.
22.  I have not had a television (aside from 8 months I spend living with my parents when I went back to the states) in almost 10 years.  My life is the better for it.  I don't miss it and cannot imagine my life with it.
23.  I love the beach.  Particularly the sea.  Specifically the Mediterranean.
24.  I love movies.
25.  I have 10 aunts/uncles on my mothers side and 2 on my fathers...which means dozens of cousins.
26.  I do not drink or smoke (anything).  But I used to do both.
27.  I love hiking and being outdoors...especially in Israel where you're not limited to organized campgrounds that feel less like being in nature and more like being in someones back yard with other campers.  And I can set up my own tent, but thanks for offering.
28.  If I could have one superpower it would be flying (superman speed)...  space, freedom, energy... and then I could visit everyone I miss in just moments.
29.  I'm exhausted, so I'm going to go to sleep and continue tomorrow.
30.  I love long drives.
31.  I love wide open spaces.
32.  I don't believe in regret.  I think it's a social construction that keeps us from growing and learning for the future.  We wouldn't be who we are without all the "mistakes" we make along the way.
33.  When I was little I wanted to be an astronaut.  I dream of going to space.  But even if I had billions I do not think I could justify a space-tourist trip.
34.  I'm Jewish and I enjoy celebrating holidays with family and friends... but I believe in eastern philosophy and spirituality.
35.  I love traveling, I want to see the world, and I cannot think of a place I would not go if given the opportunity.  On top of my (VERY) long list of places are: Morocco, Greece, Japan, Nepal, Costa Rica, Finland, New Zealand, Georgia (the country), Spain, Egypt, Ethiopia...
36.  I love sun-showers in the summer.  (Though here in Israel it rains only in the winter).
37.  I want to learn how to hang-glide.
38.  I'd like to go up in a hot-air balloon.
39.  Roni, in hebrew, means "my joy".  It's unisex.  Every guy (and many girls) I met after moving to Israel, upon hearing my name, would sing me the popular 1979 song "Roni" where a guy sings to his girlfriend Roni who is leaving him.  The first time I heard the song on the radio I already knew all the words.  The chorus goes: "Roni, don't go, the sun won't shine upon me if you are not beside me."
40.  I went to Trinity College in CT.
41.  I cannot study while listening to music.  I used to think this was a bad thing, till a friend recently told me it meant I have musical hearing.  Not sure what it means, but it sounded good.
42.  I LOVE gummy candy and prefer it over chocolate anyday!
43.  I want to be a third grade teacher, an interior designer, a photographer, and a social worker.  I'm working on that last one now...
44.  A true gemini I tend to see the benefit of all options before me, which makes me pretty indecisive.
45.  And yet I regret nothing life.  I believe regret is a social construct which keeps us from learning and taking responsibility.
46.  While I regret nothing there are definately things I will not be telling my children, or parents for that matter about.
47.  I want to go to Burning Man.  I was supposed to go a few years ago...but stuff happened.
48. i have had 10 piercings done, one was redone twice, and another redone once (so i've actually been pierced 13 times).
49. I type about 94 words per minute.
50. perhaps i'll finish this at some point...

iiiiiiiiii'm coming out.... of the blogging closet!

I set up this blog in 2003.  Posted a few emails I wrote from India in 2007.  Started writing in 2008.  Stopped in 2009.  Came out in 2010.

Truth is I haven't told a single soul I know about the blog, and I only set it to public recently.
I've been an aspiring journal-keeper for as long as I can remember.  I was always in awe of the ability to preserve moments in time.  As a child I owned a marble notebook and aspired to write like Ramona Quimby (was it her?).  In my tweens, I typed my thoughts on our first computer, inspired by Doogie Howser, M.D.  I read Anne Frank's and Zlata's Diary as a kid... and somehow I got the impression that keeping a journal meant sticking to details.  I think writing details exhausted me... so I gave up.

In 2003 I spent the summer in Texas and Mexico doing an intensive six week meditation and yoga training program and then volunteering in poor communities.  I could feel myself changing, and it was then that I began to understand the value of journaling.  The ability to preserve my personal growth through my revelations, the evolution of my thoughts, perspective, outlook, and philosophy on (my) life suddenly seemed invaluable.  And for six weeks I wrote every night.

I've always been one to contemplate life.  And sometimes I find myself mentally composing my thoughts into journal-like entries.  I always intend on transferring the entries to a more reliable medium... but they inevitably get lost in the recesses of both time and my mind.

Part of the reason I'm a closet blogger is because I'm not utterly convinced strangers should want to read my ponderings on life, love, education, politics, spirituality, nature, society, culture... and if they aren't strangers, I'm not sure I'm ready to share.
Just because I find life fascinating enough to write about, should others really be fascinated enough to read?  If I was a writer perhaps I could seamlessly stitch prose to keep readers rapt with attention, but I'm not.  And I like writing raw, uncensored, unedited... unworried about offending others, or expressing myself inaccurately. And while I'm not one to care what others think, I tend to want what I do chose to share, to be both accurately expressed and understood.

I've never been an blogo-sphere surfer.  And I never followed any blogs.  But mindless web-surfing a few weeks ago found the closet blogger wanna-be in me inspired and itching to write again... and to come out of the closet.

The truth is that keeping my blog in hiding allows me to avoid commitment.  But perhaps my current need for creative expression, commitment to a project outside my daily life, and exercising my use of the English language are just the push I need.  (I've been living abroad for so long that even the writing of this post required the occasional translation and dictionary reference.)

marriage - a union of love or a loss of freedom?

With the stream of weddings among my peers growing in the past year, I have wondered at what age are we singles supposed to, by social standards, begin to worry about our state of singledom.
It seems that once you reach your mid-twenties finding a boyfriend/girlfriend, or better (!) - a spouse, merits congratulations.

About a year and a half ago I received a message on Facebook from my first love's best friend "T" that got me thinking about it all.  "O" was getting married and "T" wanted me to send a short video saying something about O and our relationship for his bachelor party.  It struck me as odd and made me uncomfortable.  Not because my ex was getting married - it had been six years and we weren't even in touch.  Rather the thought of inserting myself, and our past relationship into his new life and celebration seemed highly inappropriate.  A couple should be immersed in thought of their spouse-to-be, not some "significant" past lover.  If this happens unwittingly it's one thing... but presenting the groom with video testimonies from significant ex's, is another.
Uncomfortable, and unsure what to do, I wrote T essentially asking if they had thought it out...  then I deleted the email and waited two days hoping for a miracle.  The delay was my miracle.  By the time I wrote back asking when they needed the video by, I had missed the bachelor party, sparing myself both participation and the awkwardness of questioning the judgement of a group of 30 year old men.

My friends reacted similarly to the idea.  Yet when I thought about it I felt like a video of "significant past loves" was really no stranger than a bachelor party strip show.  And just to clarify - both are strange.  Naturally I googled bachelor parties, and it got me thinking.  If "bachelor parties have come to symbolize the last time when the groom is truly "free" and without the influence of his new wife" according to wikipedia, isn't society sending us mixed messages?  On the one hand you're pressured to find that someone who will enrich your life; and on the other you're encouraged to mourn the loss of your freedom when you do find that life-enriching partner?  Isn't this hypocritical?  

Ideally the person we choose to spend our lives with will encourage and support us in our personal endeavors while joining us for that which can be shared.  True freedom is in the soul, and if you feel your soul stifled, rather then expanding in the love you've found, you probably haven't found "it" yet.

a hairy double standard

I grew up spending summers at an overnight camp that was part of a very liberal youth movement. I had heterosexual male counselors (and later co-counselors) who owned shirts reading: "This is what a feminist looks like". So it was pretty early on that I began to question sexist cultural norms and double standards. One being hair removal. Why was I expected to have silky smooth legs and underarms while my male peers were supposed to feel pride at every new hair that sprouted on their pubescent bodies?

I've heard numerous theories over the years and I came to the conclusion that sometime in our not-so-distant past some (presumably) male decided women should be silky smooth to touch (like babies) and a new social construction was born.

Today I decided to google the issue and find a decisive answer once and for all.  Here's what I came up with:
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"1914 - 1918: WORLD WAR I -
Why Women Shave Their Legs and Underarms -
We all know the power of advertising.  At the turn of the century, for example, the South African Diamond company, DeBeers, created the image that the diamond was forever and therefore would make an excellent wedding ring. (bloggers note: this is a whole other post for me!)
Another marketing campaign around this time convinced the women of North America to shave their body hair.  Notably, women in the other parts of the world do not engage on masse in this ritual.  Even in French Canada, the habit is not largely undertaken.
It all began with the May 1915 edition of Harper's Bazaar magazine that featured a model sporting the latest fashion.  She wore a sleeveless evening gown that exposed, for the first time in fashion, her bare shoulders, and armpits. (advert on right, courtesy of wikimedia)
A young marketing executive with the Wilkinson Sword Company, who also made razor blades for men, designed a campaign to convince the women of North America that:
(a)  Underarm hair was unhygienic  (b)  It was unfeminine.
In two years, the sales of razor blades doubled as our grandmothers and great grandmothers made themselves conform to this socially constructed gender stereotype.  This norm for North American women has been reinforced by several generations of daughters who role-modeled their mothers."   the source 

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Brilliant marketing scheme!  But if you ask me, shaving sucks. It's an environmental nightmare (all those razors and shaving cream cans), it causes hair to grow faster and thicker, and it has the potential to leave scars (I know).  Lucky for me, my parents presented twelve-year-old me (keen on shaving what little hair I had) with the alternative pictured on the right.  It was the very first epilator created by Epilady in Israel. I used to call it an electronic waxer, because twelve year olds didn't know what an epilator was, and it essentially did the same thing.

Following the death of my trusty epilady many years ago, I resorted to waxing.  I was enthused to discover a new generation of epilators several years ago, and while I still use mine (pictured left), a plethora of newer models have since been churned out. They're environmentally friendlier than waxing (or shaving), they catch even the most minuscule of hairs, and in the long-run it reduces hair and hairgrowth.
But the point of this post wasn't to market epilators (though I highly recommend them!), it was to point out the history of this highly accepted myth, the environmental damage it causes, and an alternative which lies between razors and hairy legs.

from my living room couch to yours...

neurologist with a wikipedia education

I recently came across a few blogs that inspired me to start writing. Even if just for myself, as an outlet, to keep track of my growth, to someday look back on...
A few weeks ago I probably would have written of love or school or at risk youth... all relevant to my life at the moment. These last few days the only thing on my mind is sleep. And not in the cuddle up in bed with a book on a rainy day type of sleep, but rather the constantly exhausted no matter how much sleep you get, it's consuming your life sleep.
I've been going to a neurologist who's been sending me to various tests over the past couple of weeks. My sleep EEG came back with a paroxsymal graph... my doctor interpreted it as epileptic. I looked at him and asked him how epilepsy is at all relevant to what I came to him for. He opened my files, told me (as if I didn't know) that I'm often sleepy and fall asleep at inappropriate times. Then he proceeded to open google, type narcolepsy, and open Wikipedia's entry. Needless to say I was a bit shocked. He informed me he was checking to see if narcoleptic EEG results are similar to epileptic results - Wikipedia (surprise!) didn't have such answers. But it did tell him of sleep studies which he decided to send me to.
So I've been endlessly surfing the web reading about narcolepsy, epilepsy, diagnosis, paraxosym, sleep studies... and there are moment where my eyes well up with tears at the relief of knowing that there's a reason behind my fatigue, that I'm not just over-exaggerating my exhaustion, and that I'm not at fault.
Other times my eyes well up realizing that if it isn't my fault (though how could it be?) I can't make it go away.