It seems that once you reach your mid-twenties finding a boyfriend/girlfriend, or better (!) - a spouse, merits congratulations.
About a year and a half ago I received a message on Facebook from my first love's best friend "T" that got me thinking about it all. "O" was getting married and "T" wanted me to send a short video saying something about O and our relationship for his bachelor party. It struck me as odd and made me uncomfortable. Not because my ex was getting married - it had been six years and we weren't even in touch. Rather the thought of inserting myself, and our past relationship into his new life and celebration seemed highly inappropriate. A couple should be immersed in thought of their spouse-to-be, not some "significant" past lover. If this happens unwittingly it's one thing... but presenting the groom with video testimonies from significant ex's, is another.
Uncomfortable, and unsure what to do, I wrote T essentially asking if they had thought it out... then I deleted the email and waited two days hoping for a miracle. The delay was my miracle. By the time I wrote back asking when they needed the video by, I had missed the bachelor party, sparing myself both participation and the awkwardness of questioning the judgement of a group of 30 year old men.
My friends reacted similarly to the idea. Yet when I thought about it I felt like a video of "significant past loves" was really no stranger than a bachelor party strip show. And just to clarify - both are strange. Naturally I googled bachelor parties, and it got me thinking. If "bachelor parties have come to symbolize the last time when the groom is truly "free" and without the influence of his new wife" according to wikipedia, isn't society sending us mixed messages? On the one hand you're pressured to find that someone who will enrich your life; and on the other you're encouraged to mourn the loss of your freedom when you do find that life-enriching partner? Isn't this hypocritical?
Ideally the person we choose to spend our lives with will encourage and support us in our personal endeavors while joining us for that which can be shared. True freedom is in the soul, and if you feel your soul stifled, rather then expanding in the love you've found, you probably haven't found "it" yet.
this tradition of thinking about the bachelor party as a threshold of losing one's freedom (usually applicable to men only) is indeed stupid,i think. as far as i'm concerned, those who are preoccupied about their freedom and think of a marriage as a cage - probably are not built for one, and what is more - will probably not give up their "idea" of freedom after giving in to marrying.
ReplyDeletei hope your "the one" will be one of the rare kind who defines his inner freedom independently from the marital status.